Having trouble understanding Facebook’s terms of service? Perhaps a translation into “bro speak” will help.
Slacktory translated the entire terms of service into “bro speak,” clearing up some of the ambiguity. Here are the highlights:
Privacy: We give lots of fucks about your privacy, so we wrote this. Read it, so you know what the fuck we’re going to do with the shit you post, so you’re not all, “Facebook, I had no idea!” when your shit is in our press releases. That way you know the deal when you’re deciding what to post.
Don’t spam. No shit, Sherlock, right? This is serious: Don’t try to sell shit, either your shit or other people’s shit, on Facebook without our permission. This isn’t craigslist, assholes.
Hey, have you seen Bernie Madoff’s Facebook? Fucking right you haven’t, because we don’t allow that shit up in this bitch. No pyramid schemes, Ponzi schemes, or any other illegal financial shenanigans, so don’t even try.
Free Speech? Not on our watch. Hate speech, threats, porn? Nooope. What do you think this is, an ACLU rally? The First Amendment doesn’t apply in here, motherfuckers. So don’t be starting riots; we don’t want to see violence, and we don’t want to see your dick. Shit, we don’t even want to see tits. We’re that serious.
One Facebook per person. We know how much time you spend on here; you don’t need a second profile. Fucking trust us.
Don’t put shit up that fucks with other people’s rights. Also, fuck you for making us spoonfeed you this instead of relying on common sense.
If you think we’re dicks, you should try dealing with phone companies. We let you use our shit on phones for free; they’re the ones charging you to get text messages.
If you use Facebook to complete a transaction, you agree to let us control a whole bunch more shit, including pretty much every aspect of that transaction you can possibly imagine. It’s, uh, it’s for your own safety.
If someone asks you to delete their data, fucking do it. And don’t make it hard to ask, either — don’t be like, “We would, she just needs to fill out this form in triplicate using cursive.” Who the fuck knows cursive anymore? Provide a clear, easy mechanism to ask for deletion.
Basically nothing you create is private. We can check out your content, mine your data, analyze your application, and pretty much whatever else we want, for any reason at all. Yes, even to make money off of your shit. Problem?
If your competitors are being dicks and clicking on your shit unfairly, that’s not on us. I mean, we’ll check for fraud and try to stop it and shit, but that’s a favor we do you, not some shit we promise, ‘kay? So, I guess you’re fucking welcome.
Maybe we’re like, “Uh, no, this ad won’t work.” Maybe you’re tempted to ask why. Well, because fuck you, that’s why.
If someone else takes legal action against us because of some shit you did on Facebook, holy fuck, bro. You are in so much fucking trouble. To start, you’re going to pay back our legal costs, and you’re going to make sure we don’t take a hit because of this. Don’t fuck up on Facebook is what I’m saying — you’re on your own. We’ll cut your ass off like you’re Jason Bourne without the skills.
Readers, do you have a better understanding of Facebook’s terms of service after reading this translation?